Maryland and California

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October 13, 2013

My dad is 91 years old today and celebrating with most of the family in Maryland as I write this in California.  He was supposed to be here visiting but a bout of vertigo made flying unappealing, to say the least.  (My brother Mike and sister-in-law Peggy did make the trip and we had a wonderful three days exploring the region around Redding: Mt. Shasta, New Clairveaux Vineyard and Winery, the Sundial Bridge and River Trail.) I was looking forward to my dad’s visit as it’s been more than 10 years since we saw each other on this coast.  Last year on this date I was with almost all of the family in Maryland, including my son who flew in for the occasion of Dad’s 90th. It was a great party sponsored by the children (food) and grandchildren (drinks). Entertainment was provided by the 6 great-grandchildren, ages 2 months to 5 years.  They just ran or crawled around a lot, but they were cute. This year’s party is missing my mother who passed away last December and I know Dad is missing his wife of 69 years. I miss her, too.

Below are the travelogues from October 8 and 9,2012. I took a break from writing while I was with my family so these are the last two until October 22nd.

Oct 8, 2012: Elyria, Ohio

This morning we drove to Lemont, IL—not far from Chicago and visited the cemetery at St. James’s church.  This is where several McCulloughs (Mike’s paternal grandfather’s line) are buried in a family site down the hill from the church.  This was wonderful for Mike, kind of a peak experience for a historian and amateur genealogist. I enjoyed the beauty of the place and took several photos trying to capture the autumn light on the trees.  Fall is flamboyant in Chicago; brilliant colors, crisp and cold air and light that makes the leaves glow.  Growing up on the East Coast, I dismissed Redding’s more subtle season.  Later I realized that autumn is the shift in the intensity and direction of sunlight.

We stopped in Elyria, Ohio (home of author Sherwood Anderson) for the night and I finally threw away the cheese.  It could have been a sentimental moment; after all this block of cheddar had traveled from Redding to Ohio without us ever snacking on it. Still, keeping it cold had lost its charm … and for some reason we didn’t feel like eating cheese and crackers (I still have the crackers). While Ohio no longer has the Howard Johnsons of my youth, the buildings remain and are reminders of the past glory of fast food in the 1960s.  Today the long structures with the “rotunda” at the front have been converted into food courts—Starbucks, Sbarros, Burger Kings, etc.  The cool vending machines and white chocolate lollipops with a milk chocolate puppy or kitten in the center are gone forever.  Which brings me to a brief rant about the many “outlet” malls and freeway stop areas in our country.  You literally cannot tell where you are when you turn off the freeway into one of the tan stucco Starbucks, Chipotle, Applebee’s, Chevron, Subway, etc. strip malls.  As for the so-called outlet stores, how can there be so many Gap/Old Navy, Edie Bauer, and Dress Barn outlets?  They clearly outnumber the parent stores, and I’ve never seen a Dress Barn that wasn’t an outlet store.  Explain that!

Still among all the homogenization of the American landscape are the unique eating establishments of our country.  Tonight we ate at Reuben’s, which the 20 year old hotel clerk at the Elyria Best Western assured us served “awesome food.”  I don’t know about you, but when I’m confronted with a huge menu that serves everything from omelets and falafel to Amish style pulled turkey and fried sauerkraut balls, I get a little nervous.  Some of that tension diminished when the waitress brought me an 8 ounce glass of wine… okay, it was Sutter Home, but we’re a long way from California.  We passed on the sauerkraut balls; my parmesan chicken was edible and Mike thoroughly enjoyed the hot turkey with gravy and mashed potatoes.  Why is the gravy yellow?  Just asking.

Full Disclosure: part of the reason the cheese didn’t get eaten in the Midwest is that Mike and I bought a couple of bags of chocolate caramel corn in Iowa…  Tomorrow we drive through Pennsylvania (Cracker Barrel Country) and into Maryland to my sister’s in Mt. Airy.

St. James, Lemont, Il.

St. James, Lemont, Il.

Cemetery at St. James in  Lemont, Il.

Cemetery at St. James in Lemont, Il.

McCullough Family Tombstone

McCullough Family Tombstone

Oct 9, 2012: Mt. Airy and Silver Spring, Md.

We arrived at Noni and Dale’s about 5:00 before either was home from work.  Dale had left us a key and we had time to drag all of our stuff into the house before Mike took off to wash the car.  I suppose this is as good a place as any to talk about Mike’s obsession with the car.

Whenever we get a new car, there’s a breaking-in period.  By this I mean, breaking in Mike. Since I know how this process works, I successfully got a few concessions from Mike before taking off on the trip with the Santa Fe Sport.  Yes, we would be able to have drinks in the car and Mike would not freak out whenever I was driving. Except for the exaggerated pantomime of fear when I have to brake quickly (see “Road Rage Fridays”) Mike has limited his mania to cleaning the windows—twice—every time we stop for gas or get ready to leave in the morning (or if I leave the car unattended for too long).  He has a process.  First he sprays the windshield with Stoner’s Invisible Glass and cleans off the bugs (and worse) with a paper towel.  Then he sprays the windshield with Stoner’s Invisible Glass and polishes it with a micro-fiber cloth.  Then he looks through the windshield from inside the car and asks me if it’s “better,” which I concede.  That’s our routine…

Anyway, shortly after we arrived, my sister came home from work.  I just love my sister; we are so close and so similar.  Our lives have not been the same—she married and had children young; I married and had child late.  Put it this way, when I was 36 I had an infant; when Noni was 36 she had a 17 year old.  But we share a sense of humor and a practical, get-the-job-done way of looking at life that is the legacy of our parents.  I always say that Noni, who is 6 years younger than I am and the youngest in the family, is the guardian of my youth.  She has the memories that come with the vantage point of watching older siblings tangle (I mean interact) with parents and she had what my brothers and I consider the great advantage of being raised by parents who were more relaxed about rules.  And by more relaxed I mean she got to spend the night at her friend’s house on school nights.   Really.

Noni is one of my top three favorite people on earth.  My son Max thinks his aunt (and godmother) is hysterical and that he gets his sense of humor from her (thanks, Max).  She is the person who always got along with everyone even through the years when I defected to the West Coast and my brothers lived in Europe.  She has always taken great care of my parents, and now, even though my brothers live near, she is the one who worries most about them.

PA Turnpike

PA Turnpike

Autumn in Maryland

Autumn in Maryland

Seems like a dream

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October 6, 2013

Back from San Francisco and knowing that I won’t have time to post tomorrow, here are the posts from Oct 6 and 7, 2012, from our cross country odyssey…

Oct 6, 2012: Carol Stream, Illinois

Another long day of driving.  Breakfast in Des Moines was better than usual so Mike and I drove without any significant stops until we almost reached Chicago.  Both of us had worked on the iPad looking for motels/hotels/whatever.  Turns out there isn’t anything within a 30 mile radius of Chicago that isn’t booked solid.  I think it was almost 7 PM before we found the Holiday Inn Express in Carolstream by using Hotwire.  Once again we are so wiped out by traveling (why are we keeping this pace?) that we retreated to our room to lick our metaphorical wounds in our own unique ways.  Mike turned on a sci-fi Western and fell asleep; I stated pounding out my experiences in this journal.  To each his own.

I’m so angry that it never occurred to me that in Chicago it would be as hard to find last minute accommodations as say, San Francisco or NYC.  Once again Holiday Inn folks proved to be helpful and supportive.  I am now armed with a list of local restaurants and directions to the train so we can go into the city center (known as the Magnificent Mile) tomorrow.  The young woman who checked us in actually blanched when I asked her about driving downtown.  We are forewarned.

Things I’ve already discovered I would do differently:

  • Bring more warm clothes—I’m going to get very tired of the 2 long-sleeved tops
  • Quit trying to live in two places simultaneously—on the road and at home (also known as taming my inner control freak)
  • Bring all those magazines I never have time to read
  • Bring my dog; so far every place we’ve stayed has been dog-friendly*

*If I had brought the dog, I couldn’t have brought Mike and he’s better at driving and conversation….

Oct 7, 2012: Chicago

So… no one is staying in Chicago tonight unless they’re people with booked rooms months ago who knew that Notre Dame was playing in Soldiers Field or that the famous Chicago Marathon was happening.  We’re staying in Carol Stream at a very nice Holiday Inn Express for our second night (it’s time to slow down).  I’m becoming a fan of this chain as it was a young man at another Holiday Inn who helped us find this room.  By the time we checked into our room, we were wiped out.

Today, Mike and I took the Metra into Chicago’s Ogilvie Station, ending up in the financial district and close to what we wanted to see.  We took a cab for about 15 minutes—in that time we ended up going round the block in slow motion because of the Marathon traffic.  After about $8 we got out and started walking toward our destination, about 3 blocks further away than when we started.  We trekked through s few seedy blocks and finally succumbed to hunger at a cafeteria style deli.  I ordered a Polish Chicago style hot dog and had to convince the guy I really wanted the “hots” (hot peppers); I almost had to trot out my California jalapeno credentials.  For $1.99 we got a “side” of about a pound of macaroni and cheese.  Not knowing how big the portions were, we ordered way too much.

Several blocks later we arrived at a museum I have wanted to visit for decades: The Art Institute of Chicago.  What an amazing place!  The Impressionists collection is stunning AND they let you take pictures as long as you don’t use a flash.  After about 3 hours, we were on aesthetic overload; even I was ready to seek different visual stimulation so we went back outside.  Have I mentioned that it was cold in the Windy City?  Still it was sunny and gorgeous and the skyline is spectacular.  I would love to spend about 5 days in Chicago.  I like the energy of the city and the friendliness of the people.  I would also enjoy being by Lake Michigan during a warmer season. Next time we’re going to take the ferry that cruises around the lake to view all of the different architectural styles.

Ah...Monet's water lilies

Ah…Monet’s water lilies

Sunday in the Park (with Georges and Mike)

Sunday in the Park (with Georges and Mike)

Hologram sculpture in Millennium Park

Hologram sculpture in Millennium Park

Lake Michigan shore (Chicago side)

Lake Michigan shore (Chicago side)

In the Heartlands

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October 5, 2013

Even though I’m spending this evening in San Francisco I am currently riding south on I-5, the north end of the great interior valley, which spans California and is its agricultural heartland.  Last year on this day we were driving through Iowa,  which can claim the heartland title in the geographical (and probably more valid) sense. I have feeling that dinner tonight will be better than at the Holiday Inn Express in Des Moines a year ago.  Tonight we are meeting old friends from my hometown (Silver Spring. MD).  I love San Francisco and am excited to share a little of it with my friends.

The timing of this trip could be better.  We are remodeling a bathroom with all the mess and bother that implies.  Added to that, my brother and his wife are arriving for  a visit Tuesday and we already know the shower glass won’t be installed by then. Add to that the painter decided to paint the ceiling blue and I am determined to repaint it white before Tuesday.  This is a good place to interject an explanation about  how we get projects done at our house.  First of all, we are solely motivated by company and parties.  So of course we tried to squeeze the remodel in before a family visit.  There is a genetic component here.  I vividly remember my father caulking the new bathtub in the main bathroom in our house as my aunt and uncle and 6 of their 10 children pulled up the driveway in the family station wagon. in my memory parties at my parents were always preceded by major cleaning including washing walls (who does that?).  This genetic mania has affected my siblings as well. Ask my sister who marshaled her friends and family to move and arrange all of the furniture in a new home (including hanging pictures) in one day and then threw a party for the workers in the new place that night! Ask my brother who purchased a table that seats 24 people right before the annual Thanksgiving dinner at his house. Ask my niece who can work all week as a vet, manage two active little boys and their dogs, and throw a Lego theme party on the weekend.  None of these things would be possible were it not for the patient, some would say long-suffering, forbearance of our spouses.  None of whom fully understood what they were getting into when they married us.  So tomorrow morning we will leave San Francisco, less than 24 hours after arriving, so that Mike and I can get home in time to paint, clean, rearrange furniture, garden, shop, change the air filters, fix a sprinkler head….

But tonight–my favorite city, my favorite man, old friends, good food, and great conversation.

Walnut, Iowa--the Antique Capital

Walnut, Iowa–the Antique Capital

Everyone has an opinion...  so "fun" traveling during a presidential election season

Everyone has an opinion… so “fun” traveling during a presidential election season

Oct 5, 2012: Des Moines, Iowa

I had just mentioned to Mike that I hated antique shopping and hoped never to be in another antique store when we saw the signs for “Walnut-Iowa’s Antique City.”  I’m not kidding.

Walnut is a picturesque town—old homes in tree-lined lanes, an adorable downtown with brick streets, a bakery featuring homemade jams and pies, and…(wait for it) at least a dozen antique stores.  Shoot me.  In the mood to be a good sport, I slogged through several shops of collectibles; including a disturbing amount of Aunt Jemima products (actually any amount is disturbing).   I did get some good pictures including a sign for Aunt B’s—no Opie, though.

I don’t know why, but this was a tough day emotionally—sometimes the process of leaving the school and 35 years of being an educator is wrenching.  It didn’t help that Des Moines is huge and we went several miles out of our way before circling back to a Holiday Inn.  I must have looked as bad as I felt because the manager who checked us in gave us a break on the room and included a free (full) breakfast and a goody bag with water and snacks.  We were so wiped out that we didn’t want to venture into downtown for dinner.  Plus it was 35 degrees.

Sidebar—a week ago today, I was leaving Playa del Carmen, south of Cancun, after a wonderful, fun, relaxing week with 3 friends.  I had a pale tan (not an oxymoron when you’re mainly Irish and German) and my hair was full and curly from the humidity. Today I’m upset and tired, my tan is fading in ugly patches, my hair is limp and dry, and I have a trip pimple on my chin.

Back to Des Moines: Mike and I headed immediately for the bar, ordered martinis and indulged in complaining.  We decided, before the trip, that we would have “Road Rage Fridays”—a cocktail hour in which we could freely complain about the things that annoyed us the previous week.  All we could really come up with was the truck driver that almost killed us and the exaggerated way Mike grips the door and braces when I’m braking…  Mike didn’t mention my tactless remark about antiquing (he loves it) since Karma had dealt with that…  After that we had a mediocre dinner surrounded by teams of U13 soccer girls.  It took us both back to the days we traveled to soccer tournaments with Max and both endured and enjoyed the relentless energy of youth.

Of Bears and Memories

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October 4, 2013

What I remember about the visit with my Aunt Aggie a year ago is that she suggested I get some of my mother’s old clothes to her so she could make memory bears for the family if my mother passed.  She may have said “when” but I heard “if.”  Aunt Aggie told me that my mother thought it was ghoulish to plan ahead.  But when Aunt Aggie showed me the bears she had made with her husband’s (Uncle Dave’s) plaid shirts for all the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, I could see the love and care that went into each bear and that created each memory. Little did I know that two and half months later my mother would pass away and that Aunt Aggie, my cousin Denise, my sister, and I would look through my mother’s clothes and select the items that would make 24 bears for our family.  Aunt Aggie and Denise outdid themselves.

October 3, 2012: Montrose, Colorado

Last night we drove around BYU, Mike’s alma mater, and then spent 47 minutes trying to find our motel. Provo is laid out in a logical grid, but we didn’t have the secret handshake so we added to our car time. This morning we toured the beautiful campus on foot and I discovered BYU is built on a plateau which is accessed through several levels of stairs. Regardless, I did enjoy the campus and I needed the exercise. From Provo we drove to Montrose, CO, to see my favorite aunt, my mother’s younger sister Aggie.

Aunt Aggie is the favorite aunt of all her 35 nieces and nephews because she’s a kick in the pants. When showing us the huge shower in the master bathroom of her daughter’s home, she said “it’s big enough for a threesome.” Vintage Aunt Aggie! Like her older sisters (Alma, Eileen, my mother, and Mary), Aunt Aggie pulls no punches, tells hilarious stories, and expresses affection through action. These days she makes “Memory Bears” for children who have lost loved ones.

After our visit we checked into a motel, ordered Thai food for delivery and turned on the Obama-Romney debate. No comment.

Oct 4, 2012: North Platte, Nebraska

Ended up stopping late in North Platte—after 3 near-death experiences on the road.  Well, maybe only one could’ve resulted in our joint demise.  Mike was looking at the lane to the left of us, when a truck pulled out in front of us.  Luckily, my inarticulate gurgle alerted Mike and the good brakes on the Santa Fe kept us from hitting the truck.  Later, exhausted, Mike drove around North Platte looking for a place to have dinner; as much as we would prefer to eat at local places, sometimes there’s no choice, so Applebee’s it was.

A word about the so-called breakfasts at the places we stay.  Keep in mind we choose our motels based on having memberships and the inclusion of breakfast.  So far the 3 Hampton Suites we’ve stayed at—including the overpriced one in Colorado, which smelled like cow poop (just outside)—have provided the same limp, almost disgusting choices.  Hot brown water (erroneously labeled coffee), watery juice, 3 kinds of milk (all are skim but they are labeled skim, 2% and whole) are the beverage choices.  No water, which would be better.  Anemic plain bagels, always stale pastries, selections of cereals no one eats, and congealed oatmeal do not prepare you for the horror of the hot dish possibilities. Home fries consist of uniform squares of a potato like substance.  While he avoided those, Mike actually put the “western style omelet” on his plate before coming to his senses and throwing it away.  I don’t know what it tasted like but it looked like it had been made last month in a microwave with powdered eggs and three pieces of bell pepper (2 green, one red).  Not for the faint of heart.  I tend to eat an English muffin with peanut butter and an Activia yogurt.  Yes, Activia.  Yes, for the reason you’re thinking.

Even though North Platte wasn’t the most exciting town, we did manage to get out of there ahead of the snow…  Also, the nice folks at Hampton Suites gave us a conference room, which enabled us to bring in the luggage and repack so that we now have access to our cold weather clothes (since a cold front has definitely moved in).  Mike decided to use a new app on his phone to start the car; it worked and he got the message: mission accomplished.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t our car he started.  Somewhere in the world a car is warmed up and ready to go…

Beautiful Colorado

Beautiful Colorado

North Platte, NE: One of the many Buffalo Bill historic landmarks--apparently he got around

North Platte, NE: One of the many Buffalo Bill historic landmarks–apparently he got around

A year ago today

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A year ago today, My husband Mike and I left Redding on a cross-country trip; we planned too many places to visit and I got a crash course on American geography. (“Yes, Erin, there is a Santa Fe” and “No, Erin, New Orleans is not close to Nashville.”) I liked that travelogue: it was fun to write and I had lots of down time to do it.  I wanted to publish it on anewscafe, an online journal that I admire but it seems that my verbose and meandering style is more suited to blogging.  If there’s a way to archive this travelogue on my blog for posterity, I haven’t figured it out.  So I thought I would pull excerpts from last year’s journey and comment upon them (or let them stand on their own merit) on the corresponding day this year.  This, of course, means I’m recycling old work, but I will be interspersing posts with new material.  And I will be working on that novel…  Really.

10/2/12: Orem, Utah

Hard to believe that at 6:30 on Monday night (10/1) we left Redding and today we are in Utah and starting our cross-country, family visiting, genealogy exploring, 37-38 day trip.

The “Plan” was to leave early on 10/2 and do the long haul to Utah in one day. While I was packing I noticed Mike removing the pillows from our bed and bringing in the cooler from the garage; this was my first hint that we were leaving sooner. In the interest of full disclosure I should say that I wasn’t really packing; my dear friend Sally Burnham was packing for me. Sally claims that I’m the worst folder she has ever met and that I completely miss the part about packing where you flatten the clothes and make them smaller not larger before putting them in the suitcase.

So at 6:30 PM (a full 12 hours earlier than I had planned), Mike and I left Redding on a “Road Trip.”

While the term “road trip” conjures images from 20-something movies for some people, it takes me back to family vacations from Maryland to visit relatives. Pretty much every summer, my parents would wake up their four children in the middle of the night, pile us into a large American-made vehicle (okay, a Ford) and take off for Michigan. I remember pillows on the floor of the back seat that Noni, the youngest, slept on. I think I was down there sometimes, too (those were big cars). Rick and Mike, my brothers, were somewhere else—maybe on the back seat, maybe in the 3rdseat (facing backwards) of a station wagon we had for several years (I learned to drive in it). Mom gave Noni and me a Dramamine and we crashed. We stopped in Hagerstown, PA, for breakfast; I didn’t eat, just stared into bleary space until I could climb into the back seat and sleep again. Sometime in the afternoon we would stop for a quick lunch at a Howard Johnson’s on the Ohio Turnpike. My dad was a proponent of “making time,” always striving for a personal best… After lunch, more Dramamine, sleep and arrival at my Aunt Madeline’s around 5 PM. I often woke up in her driveway—no wonder I thought it took 3 hours to get from Maryland to Michigan until I was an adult and made the 10 hour trip myself.

A few words about Howard Johnson’s: Noni and I loved Howard Johnson’s. I always ate the same thing—a hot dog that came in a stiff paper holder with part of a toasted bun cut off. I considered this to be the height of fine dining. But the real draw was the vending machine in the ladies room. Noni and I would save our quarters and choose carefully from the various items that could be had for 25 cents. Over the years we purchased tiny manicure sets (so dull that even the TSA would let them through security screening), lovely plastic rain bonnets, miniature flashlights, “imported” perfume, key chains, small (and fragile) stuffed animals, and coin purses.

I’m pretty sure this road trip will be different, even though the 10 hour haul from Sparks, NV, to Provo, Utah, is reminiscent of Dad’s three stops a day—at most—approach to family vacations. For one thing, Mike and I will not engage in silent battles over space, usually the arm rest. My brother and I would push grimly against each other’s arms, in a no-win contest for dominion of the back seat. Even though we were completely quiet, my little sister (a notorious puker wedged in the front seat between my parents) would rat on us and bring down the “don’t make me stop this car” threat. I was happy when she outgrew her car sickness and was relegated to the back seat. Of course her memories are different and include big fat lies about me singing “Red Rubber Ball” (an unappreciated classic) all the way to Michigan.

The Nevada-Eastern Utah segment of our journey will not be represented in any photos—incredibly ugly terrain– enough said. The highlight? We stopped at a casino in Winnemucca to use the rest rooms and I put a dollar I found in my pocket in a machine I thought was video poker (that’s what the sign said); I pushed a button and the machine went crazy. When all the binging stopped the number 2010 flashed from the left corner. For one heady moment I thought I won over $2000. Since this turned out to be a penny machine (this was not a high end casino), I netted $20.10. I consider that my mad money to be spent on something foolish and fun.  Mike played a dollar, too, and lost most of it in 5 seconds.

Of Reunions and Remembering

I have a certain resistance to reunions, most of them anyway.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m pretty sure no one will remember me or I don’t  want anyone to remember the person I think I was.  Which is pretty funny because I did go to my 40th high school reunion awhile back and I had good time.  People seemed to remember me and no one ran screaming from the room so I guess I was nicer than I thought.  I was reminded of this notion of who we think we were recently when I attended a casual reunion of actors I had worked with several years ago in community theater.  At first the reunion was going to be 3 people but social media and the gregariousness of others intervened and pretty soon it was big enough that I didn’t want to attend.  Still I went to the play that a former student and fellow actor was in and enjoyed seeing almost everyone in the audience who was part of the reunion group.

The next morning several of us met for breakfast and Pam, who had been fantastic in the play, mentioned that she was happy to see all of us and said that she had been making a conscious effort to reconnect with her past, that she tended to lose memories along the way.  At least that’s what I think she said, and it started me thinking about the things I’ve forgotten. For example, one old friend said she had never forgotten a comment I made about a scene she was in where she basically begged a man she had dated for years to marry her (the play was Picnic).  Apparently I told her that the scene was so painful I wanted to throw up.   Of course I don’t remember saying this although I do remember her powerful performance.  There were several instances of my not remembering what others recalled so vividly.  Ultimately I told the group that there isn’t enough room in my brain and that I’d had to erase a lot of information to make room for the steep learning curve of the last 8 years in my professional career.  But, it worries me that I can’t remember.

At my high school reunion there was a woman who was delighted to see me and apparently we had been friends, had classes, and went to games together.  I thought she looked familiar.  There was a man I danced with and he said it was just like the time we were in the senior play and supposed to be exhausted 1920’s dancers trying to win a marathon.  No memory of him at all.  The people I knew best were from my neighborhood and we connected through reminiscences of sled and bike riding and finally getting old enough to know what the words our basketball coach called us meant.  (He was an FBI agent pressed into coaching 6th grade girls and he was not happy with our skills. Let’s put it this way: he wasn’t calling us “twits.”) Over the years many of the women had altered their names in some way.  Sue became Susan; Cathy is Cate, Patty is Pat.  On the other hand, Billy is still Billy; Jimmy is still Jimmy, and Eddie is still Eddie although I believe he may have dropped “ie” in favor of “y.”  Our class had nearly 600 students and about 200 alumni came to the reunion.  About a third of the men lined up to tell Sue-now-Susan that they had been in love with her in high school but too shy to ask her out.  Susan, still drop dead gorgeous and a fellow member of the 6th grade basketball team, was not amused.  First of all she wanted to know “what happened to all the cute boys.”  (Well, Susan, they are 58 years old now).  And secondly and quite accurately, she pointed out that it would’ve been nice to have had this attention in high school.  I believe the “I was in love with you in high school” line is endemic at many reunions.   “I’ve been in love with you since 5th grade” is unique, and I witnessed its staying power firsthand at my husband’s 50th reunion.

A little background: my husband and his jock friends were a big deal in high school.  They were cute, friendly, athletic, and (wait for it) the popular kids.  Even though I wasn’t there, it can’t have been much different from any high school and I can imagine these golden young men striding through the halls as if they owned the school, but in a nice way.  Because in 1963 being a jerk wasn’t cool and the dark, moody guys would have to wait for the 1970s (my era) to make girls miserable.  Suffice it to say that these guys had an uncomplicated high school experience.  Of course there were “bad boys” but they weren’t very bad; mainly they had an excess of appeal so they spread it around a little.  Flash forward 50 years and Mike and I find ourselves at his reunion in a winery in Morgan Hill.  We stayed with Mike’s old teammate Gary and his wife Dene, who also went to high school with the guys.  [Aside: Dene and Gary dated from 7th through 9th grade, reconnected on Classmates after decades apart, and have been blissfully married for 3 years.  Some people do meet their soul mates when they’re young.]  In case you’re wondering, Dene didn’t capture Gary’s heart until 7th grade; it was Mike H that she bowled over with her ponytail and 11 year old charm.  Poor Mike H was almost incoherent as he told Dene she was his first love and then turned to Mary Alice and told her she was his second love after someone told her Dene was “taken.”   Age does not make one tactful.  Anyway, Mike H’s wife finally came and got him before he melted into a puddle of “what might have been.”  Periodically Mike H would leave his wife and circle back to Dene, who handled it all with grace and humor, telling Mike H that he was getting close to stalking.

There’s a lot to be said for having a reunion at a winery.  When I got bored I took pictures of the vineyard and the surrounding hills or chatted with the servers about the wines.  The fact is that other people’s reunions are not that engaging, at least not after the first hour.  I spotted the girlfriend (and non-classmate) of another of Mike’s jock friends and sat with her.  Within two minutes she mentioned that she wouldn’t be coming to the next reunion.  In case that sounds cold, please understand that these classes from the sixties have a reunion picnic every year and that whichever class has hit a milestone invites other classes to their reunion.  The last time I went to one of Mike’s reunions was for the 40th and everyone looked a lot better than at this one.  In fact I’m already planning on not attending my 50th reunion….

So in the spirit of reunions and remembering, I’ll share that the folks at this reunion felt the social structure of their days in high school was the same.  The jock table was the center of the action with people circling the stars.  I’m not implying that Mike, Gary, etal. were anything but nice—then or now.  But the mystique lingers.  Take Susan at my reunion (and many men would): she was the class beauty in a class of lovey young women.  When she entered the country club where our stuffy, East Coast reunion was held, everyone looked, paused, and paid obeisance to her past and current radiance.  Did she look better than everyone else?  Are Mike and Gary still the most (popular, cute, sweet, appealing—choose your adjective)?  I don’t know.  But that’s really not the point.  We bought this story 10, 20, 40, or 50 years ago and we still believe it.  And there’s continuity and comfort (for some) in that.

Writing a book

When I was teaching, summers seemed like a long weekend. June was Friday night because we taught for half of June. July was Saturday and time for vacations, relaxing, and thinking about writing that book. And August was Sunday afternoon with all the pressure of getting ready for school—decorating my classroom, planning lessons, and positioning desks (always looking for that serendipitous arrangement that would support high level discourse and eliminate side talk—there is no such arrangement). Things changed when I became an administrator because I worked most of the summer. Then summer became a time to bring order to the chaos in my office, update handbooks, and finally throw out the things that consistently found their way to the bottom of my “to do” pile. In July, when all of the teachers were blessedly gone and I was finally alone in my office, I would clean and organize while streaming NPR or singing along with country songs. And sometimes I would think about writing that book.

Now I’m retired (a misnomer if ever there was one) and I’ve been busy during every day of the eleven months since I left my school. I knew that leaving would be hard for me as I’ve identified myself as a teacher (and administrators are teachers) since I was twelve and had a nursery school for my sister and her friends. (I charged a dollar a week, which I spent on supplies for my “students,” thus preparing myself for the realities of public education.) I wanted to celebrate 35 years in a profession I loved so we had a couple of parties and I spent a week near Cancun with three girlfriends. Then my husband Mike and I traveled around the country for 42 days so that I wouldn’t lurk pathetically around the school. That went well until we reached the middle of the country and I was no longer distracted by driving. I cried through Nebraska.

Besides traveling I have many interests that occupy my time. But my plan was to write that book. But not right away. I figured I needed a year to get my literal and metaphorical house in order, travel a lot, take those floral design classes, learn to crochet (a hopeless cause), start making jewelry again, maybe tryout for a play, improve my garden design, train the little dog to “come” (another hopeless cause), cook and entertain more, and exercise daily. At some point I started to wonder if all these activities were ways of avoiding writing that book. And I’ve decided they are not because I am writing (this blog) and I am reading great books on writing (most recently Write Away by Elizabeth George). I’m also rereading authors whose work I admire and looking for a writing conference that will put me in touch with published writers.

So…when you read these posts, please understand that I’m warming up, playing scales in preparation for the big number.

On the road again….

“We can’t have another day like yesterday….” -Mike Stuart

Last July Mike and I went on a camping trip to Oregon with our good friends Sue and Randy; we had such a wonderful time that we decided to venture north again. Yesterday morning we left the smoke and heat of Redding and turned our truck (5th wheel attached) toward the mountains. Unfortunately the fire that enveloped Redding in smoke is in Oregon, so the drive to Canyonville was dulled and grey, making the trees lifeless and the air thick. Luckily, about 5 miles from of our destination a north wind blew most of the smoke south and we pulled into the lovely Seven Feathers RV Resort. Here’s a tip for those of you who have succumbed to the comforts of RV travel: any campground associated with a casino will have great amenities. Our site was a level pull-through (very important) with water, electric and cable hook-up. Included also was free Wi-Fi, access to a pool, shower rooms, park, and (wait for it) shuttle to the casino.

Sidebar: Back in my youthful camping days, I stayed in state and national parks, slept in a sleeping bag in a tent, cooked over a campfire, and washed in showers that cost a quarter for 3 minutes. I was contemptuous of “those people” who dragged all their luxuries with them in their trailers–people whose generators roared all night and whose slow moving rigs clotted traffic on winding mountain roads. Of course, life’s little ironies catch up with you and now I’m one of those people. Getting me to embrace RV travel has been a tough sell. Three years ago, my husband bought our Keystone Cougar (complete with a huge painted cougar that would look better on the floor of a gymnasium). It was the proverbial good deal. I said that it was very nice and I looked forward to using it when I retired. At that point, when I was working 50+ hours a week, the trailer just looked like an opportunity to do housework on wheels.

Our trip to Oregon last year was the second time I had stayed in the RV. We’ve used it since on the coast, including a hair-raising drive on Highway 20. That road is so curvy that we actually lost sight of the trailer on some curves. But I digress…

Yesterday we set up and then relaxed with Sue and Randy on the little lawn between our RVs when I heard water running, a lot of water. Keep in mind that we haven’t used our trailer much and that I know nothing about the hoses, that being Mike’s territory. Not being an expert I wondered aloud why water was gushing from the bottom of the trailer; this inspired Mike and Randy to investigate. I just asked Mike to explain what happened to me so I could include it in this post. He said there’s no way to sugarcoat it: he hooked a hose to the wrong tank and overfilled a holding tank. Hence the flood. No big deal or damage as it turned out, but a few exciting moments and some embarrassment. After the tank debacle, we went to the casino, had a drink and lost (collectively) $55. Sue won a dollar.

After dinner we decided to watch the remastered version of “A Quiet Man” in our trailer and use the DVD player for the first time. For the first time… As it turns out, our trailer has a speaker system that includes outside speakers, so about 11:00 a guy who said he was our neighbor from way down the road, knocked on the door to tell us he could hear the movie and could we turn it down. Major embarrassment over this violation of RV park etiquette. We turned off the outside speakers and watched the last few minutes of the film. I had forgotten what a marginal actor John Wayne was. I know that’s heresy but he played every role the same. Maureen O’Hara was good though.

This morning before we left, Mike announced that today would have to be better. So far, so good.

A Funeral at Arlington Cemetery

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July 25, 2013

What looked like an easy flight across summer skies (Sacramento to Phoenix to Baltimore) turned into first, non-stop turbulence, and later, a circuitous route around a storm that kept us in the air 2 hours longer. I don’t know if this is a typical response to travel, but there comes a moment before any trip of more than five days when I no longer want to go. It’s all just too hard. There’s a house to prepare, plants that need to be watered, mail and papers to be stopped or collected, clothes to decide upon, wash, maybe iron, pack, and a pet to send to her vacation home. When that moment arrives, I want to indulge in the vapors, lie on a sofa in a darkened room, with a cold compress on my head and someone rubbing my feet while murmuring unintelligible, yet comforting sounds. I want to stay home.

Before this trip, I was in that moment for eleven days. We had just returned from three weeks in Europe and I didn’t want to get on a plane again less than two weeks later. Never mind that the last last flight ended in being diverted from San Francisco to L.A. Or that my feet were so swollen I could barely walk. It wasn’t that. The purpose of this trip: the internment of my mother’s ashes in Arlington Cemetery.

Last Saturday morning at 10:00 AM, my family stood in the oppressive humidity of a Virginia summer listening to the words of Father Victor and the journey that began on December 12th, when my mother died, ended. My hope was to be emotionally present at this event.

In December, as I flew across country, my father, sister and brothers were coping with the shock of Mom’s death 12 hours after her stroke. Soon we were all consumed with the rituals of grief: choosing pictures, readings and music for a funeral mass, planning a luncheon, and making arrangements for out of town family members. When I began to write Mom’s eulogy, I finally realized the cost of living so far from my family. Because in a strange way, I didn’t feel her loss. I’m used to not seeing my mother for months at a time. Sure I talked to her frequently and I’ve made the trip East a couple of times annually in recent years. And yes, I did have a strong feeling after spending time with her daily for two weeks in October that this could well be our last time together.

On Saturday morning my family met at the administration building of Arlington Cemetery where 29 funerals are conducted daily. Ah, the efficiency of the military! Kind and knowledgable cemetery employees explained the process and organized us into the cars that brought us close to the gravesite. We walked up a hill, the same hill that leads to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, my sister holding my father’s arm, the family trailing behind. The service was short, the location beautiful. Near the end of the readings the distant sound of taps underscored the lovely words from scripture. I wish I could remember them, but I was focused on my father and his grief for the woman he was married to for 69 years. Still, I was there in the moment, feeling the loss, and for that I was grateful.

I think the nature of grief is that it ebbs and flows and what evokes that sharp stab of grief is unpredictable. In the airport, coming home yesterday, I missed my mother. I knew I wouldn’t be calling her to say I made it home safely and to hear her tell me how much she already missed me. Today, as I walked past gardens in our neighborhood, I thought about the gifts and burdens that are the legacy of being my mother’s daughter. I love to read and garden and write and cook. I love to laugh. I know how to love fiercely. I worry too much and am practical when I want to be imaginative. Like my mother, I left my home as a young adult and forged a life separate from my family. And like her, I’ve lost and gained by that decision.

Final Thoughts from Travel Abroad

Things not to bring on your trip

  • The cute shoes that you can’t walk very far in need to stay home
  • Likewise clothes that need to be ironed because irons and ironing boards are not available everywhere
  • Good jewelry that you would hate to lose
  • Your smart phone with cellular data turned on (You’ll pay a fortune in roaming costs every time an application updates or the timeshare people call with another offer)
  • That heavy book you were always going to read
  • A lock for your canvas duffel bag (thieves have knives and scissors)
  • All of your hair care and cosmetic products—pare down!
  • Every medicine you might conceivably need (they have pharmacies most places); just bring any prescription meds and maybe leave the vitamin regimen at home
  • Stuff you know you’ll use only one time.  For instance bring the dress or shirt that doesn’t wrinkle to wear several times instead of a fancy outfit for the one night you’re going to a play
  • A bathing suit if no one has seen you in a bathing suit in two decades
  • Photocopies of your passports (give a set to your traveling companions)
  • Pictures of your kids, grandkids, pets, etc.  (That’s what your cell phone is for and you don’t need to have the cellular data on to access photos if you do it right.  I don’t know how to do it but there is a way.)

Things to bring on your trip

  • Sunglasses (and probably a hat that packs flat if you’ll be in any sun)
  • A camera that you can charge
  • Converters so you can charge electronics and use your curling iron or blow dryer
  • Your smart phone with cellular data off an a prepaid plan for emergency phone calls (or just buy a phone with minutes when you get there)
  • Maybe a small blow dryer as the ones we encountered ranged from hair singeing heat to the equivalent of a person’s breath
  • A map of the countries you’ll visit
  • A GPS with downloaded app for countries you’ll be visiting; be sure to get it in your language (your Siri or Google map on your phone is probably too expensive to use)
  • A small umbrella and/or waterproof windbreaker
  • A purse or backpack that you can wear across the front of your body
  • Washcloths—you don’t get those in Scotland, England or France (make up remover wipes will work too)
  • More than one pair of shoes so you can switch off or change if you get wet
  • A tiny first aid/utility kit—Band Aids, antiseptic lotion, safety pins, stain remover
  • A large scarf or pashmina—I cannot emphasize this enough.  I wore my pashmina with everything through rainy days in 3 countries; I put it over my legs when the AC on the planes was too cold, bundled it up for a pillow on plane rides, and laid it on the beach like a towel.  Just sayin’

Things you need to accept

  • There will be lots of pictures of you wearing the same thing
  • You will probably get lost once in a while and take more time to get somewhere than you wanted to
  • Some people don’t want to take a picture of you and your traveling companions; probably because they don’t know what you’re asking (“You want me to steal a camera???”)
  • You’re a tourist so you’re really a guest in another country.  Behave accordingly.
  • Customs are varied so watch and learn although you have my permission to be irritated with anyone who recommends a restaurant that would cost $200 a person
  • You deserve decent service and courtesy because you’re paying for it; don’t be afraid to ask questions or state your needs (like for a washcloth.  You won’t get one because they don’t have them but you can ask.)
  • There’s nothing wrong with eating ice cream every day when you’re in a country that has ice cream for sale on every block
  • That cute shirt you bought in France may have been made somewhere else, so if that’s important to you, look at the label
  • There will something along the way that you didn’t do or didn’t buy that you will regret.  C’est la vie!
Pont des Arts, Paris

Pont des Arts, Paris