You’ve heard of reading for pleasure but how about reading for pain? From the time I could read I’ve used books to escape from emotional pain. Let me be clear that I wasn’t escaping from anything more toxic than being a middle child in suburban America during the innocent early sixties.

My mother was a great reader and gave me her old Judy Bolton mysteries to read after I’d devoured the insipid Nancy Drews and cloying Cherry Ames stories. (I’ve often wondered about the psychological impact on female America from reading about those perfect girls. Not good I’m sure.) Anyway, Judy Bolton was complicated and smart and a little bitchy but in a good way. Setting aside that I couldn’t fathom anyone getting engaged at 16 (Judy and her friends did that a lot), I loved the mysteries because they were gritty and real and consuming.

I used to say that my mother never restricted my reading choices but now I think she was too busy raising and worrying about us kids to monitor what I was reading. Like reading “The Carpetbaggers” and “Valley of the Dolls” before I’d reached puberty. Confusing to say the least but the narratives were great. Aristotle said that plot is what compels us to read, although he said it more eloquently and in Greek. Humans need to know what happens next. It’s that simple and that complicated. It’s why the worst, most puerile made for TV movie will capture us as we scroll through the channels. It’s why Mike watched the entire, saccharine “Mistletoe Inn” Hallmark movie the other night while I frosted sugar cookies and swore. I had deliberately saved a mediocre and manipulative Christmas movie to play while wrapping presents and abusing baked goods. I can’t use a good movie, say “Love Actually” or “The Bishop’s Wife,” because I get pulled into the film. The same principle applies when I save a book by a favorite author for uninterrupted enjoyment or choose a book I can stop reading when I know I’ll be busy.

Of course reading has caused me pain as well.

Recently I sprained my good ankle. Long story about the bad ankle, but this was the good ankle. I did it walking down the single step in my ranch style home. I’ve always been clumsy and add to it I bruise easily. And I’m unlucky. It takes a certain talent to injure yourself when frosting sugar cookies. Who knew that red food coloring would stain my fingers so easily? Who knew that scrubbing those fingers would tear my skin? Now I know. I blame all of this on reading because I sprained my ankle and cut my finger while listening to audio books. David Sedaris has a lot to answer for. But I digress.

I’ve never been able to control my thoughts, which are scattered in a way that is hard to describe. For instance, right now as I write this I’m calculating my time and mentally reworking the long list of pre-Christmas errands and chores. I’m not using my injured right index finger and I’m elevating my right ankle. In a few minutes I’ll dress in jeans (with pockets) so I can listen to an audio book with my currently charging phone in my pocket. Sweats (my pajamas) have no pockets— a definite oversight of the manufacturers. I’ll plug in to a Jane Austen mystery, pack up cookies to deliver and not think about the things I don’t want to think about. See? Easy.

I won’t think about having a lot to do and not enough time. I won’t castigate myself for hurting my ankle and being so far behind on preparations for two consecutive dinner parties. I won’t fret about the weird mini seizure my beloved Fiona had a few weeks ago. I won’t feel guilty about not sending biscotti to various friends and family members. I’ll shove down the constant, inchoate fear about Mike and his health. Instead I’ll listen to a mystery read by a British narrator. Mysteries and British literature are my favorite and Jane Austen is my favorite writer (I’m not a crier but I wept when I was in Bath at the Jane Austen museum.) So this book, set in the early 1800s with Jane Austen as the main character is me pulling out the big guns. It takes this to quell my worries, shut down my mind for a few minutes, and get me through the Christmas season.

Why does everything seem worse this time of year? Is it because it’s the end of a year of natural and unnatural disasters that I hope never to repeat? Or maybe the overlay of memories of childhood anticipation and pure joy dull adult experience. Objectively I can say this has been a tough year: international threats and national scandals, a nightmare medical diagnosis for a relative, the death of a beloved student, infernos, wind, floods, and he who must not be named but always is. I grow weary of tweets and insincere outrage. So tired of thinking and worrying. So I read.

It’s my drug; I admit it. With the advent of electronic readers I am never without a fix. In line at the pharmacy? Listen again to ”Holiday on Ice”—hysterical. I don’t care if people eye me nervously when I laugh out loud at (apparently) nothing. On a boring freeway? “Britt Marie Was Here” makes those miles enjoyable. Waiting for the love of your life to return from another medical procedure? Well, it takes a really good writer for that: Elizabeth George, Ann Patchett or Ian McKuen.

Another benefit of this particular addiction is that reading in public discourages people from engaging you in conversation. If you listen to a book while simultaneously knitting or playing solitaire on your device, you can be almost completely impervious to the real world. I recommend it.

As part of our odyssey in San Francisco, the little dog has had to adjust to life in the big city. This means expanding her willingness to pee on basically any outdoor surface. SF is a dog friendly city and it’s rare to walk anywhere without encountering canine friends. Fiona is not really a dog person. When our grand-dog Hudson is around she favors me with pained looks that clearly ask who let the dog in. On SF sidewalks she approaches other dogs with deceptive shyness, ducking her head and wagging her tail, but she doesn’t mean it. If another dog invades her space she growls in a way that sounds really mean and a little crazy. Most of the dogs we encounter look surprised, and dismiss Fiona with an expression of tolerance. Unless the other dog is small. Then it’s a case of diva meets diva and the metaphorical gloves are off the paws. After mutual mean girl growling and obligatory butt sniffing, the dogs back off, nod austerely and go their separate ways, confident each has cowed the other.

None of this acknowledges the stress that changing residences has on Fiona. Or me for that matter. For instance, grocery shopping is even less fun than usual. There’s nothing like driving around for 20+ minutes, finally finding a parking space, and then enduring the visual onslaught of shopping at Whole Foods. Somehow we left that fancy store without the bone-in, skin-on chicken I needed for a recipe or the saffron which came with an easy payment plan. Whole foods don’t carry no high fat, low class chicken, no indeed. This experience and the resulting cost at check out- $45 for half a pound of Spanish cheese, La Croix sparking water, a dozen tulips (only $6) and some olive bar olives– was not as traumatizing a the trip to the Safeway close to where Mike gets treatment. I’ve never been in a grocery store where the toothpaste and q-tips are under lock and key and require concierge-clerk services to access. We got out of there pretty quick and, as usual, without everything we needed. We had better luck at Trader Joe’s where parking was relatively easy and the presence of familiar items was soothing. The embargo on chicken with bones and skin continued but the saffron was affordable.

Basically every expedition that involves our car is stressful. And that brings me to parking in the underground garage at the flat we are renting for two months. This gorgeous three story Victorian was a single family home at the turn of the 20th century. Now it’s three spacious condominiums in a lovely, quiet and very clean street in lower Pacific Heights. Pacific Heights proper is for the uber rich baby boomers like Diane Feinstein and Nancy Pilosi and (in the past) romance writer Danielle Steele. I imagine our place once housed a wealthy businessman, his wife, seven children, four servants (cook, maid, nanny, and valet), and a poor relation or two who helped with the children. The area under street level probably initially held a carriage with horses stabled nearby. Whatever the original intent for the space was, it was never intended to house three vehicles. The first weekend I stayed here, Mike was in Redding so I rented Enterprise’s smallest compact (a Corolla) and wished a smart car or a meter made cart had been available. With a pounding heart I pulled in, next to the ubiquitous gray Prius ( they are literally everywhere) belonging to the second floor couple. Getting out involved moving the mirror on the neighbor’s car and edging out, pulling up (don’t hit the bike in front of you), turning the wheel slightly (don’t scrape the shelf of paint cans) and jockeying back and forth until finally behind the Mercedes owned by the couple on the top floor. Then all I had to do is back straight out. And not scrape the wall (so pull in both mirrors) or hit the bush just outside the garage or gun the engine too much to get up to street level and shoot across the sidewalk into the street. Every time I see someone backing out of a garage in SF I watch. All of them are narrow, dark, and scary and I see lots of people edging out as I do. The truly brave or crazy back into their garages. Insane.

So all of this shows me that contrary to my fantasy of myself as natural born city dweller, I’m truly a suburbanite. I guess playing in the dirt with the Spanish kids in Zaragoza when I was five didn’t really make me a savvy urbanite. Still, for years, this fantasy of being someone whose ideal milieu was the big city has persisted. And I admit I love mornings like this where I walk the Little Girl to the patisserie and leave her tied up outside while I purchase scones and croissants. Fiona, however, doesn’t enjoy waiting for me and seemed pretty anxious by the time the three people in front of me spent an inordinate amount of time deciding which pastry to buy. “That one, no the one to the right, I mean left,” etc. For a city nationally ranked 7th for worst (impatient speeders) drivers, there are certain rites where lallygagging is expected. This is a town where everyone is a gourmand so all food-based decisions are approached with solemnity and caution. It is not unusual to hear a server breaking down a dish into each ingredient and then assuring the patron that yes, the sauce can come on the side, the pasta will most certainly be al dente, and no meat product will come within hailing distance of the quinoa. In other words, everybody is Meg Ryan.

Nowadays, Fiona and I walk Mike to a UCSF facility 6 blocks away and watch him board the shuttle for Mission Bay where he will receive radiation therapy. The little dog does not like this and stands on her hind legs, straining to see Mike as he disappears. Fiona also doesn’t care for the wind, but she’s adjusting. We all are. And in a few more weeks this medical odyssey will be behind Mike and we can go home where the little dog can access her safe place under the bed.

I recently read, well listened to, a young adult novel that was kind of a mystery, kind of a coming out story and totally unbelievable. The 15 year old narrator had the vocabulary of an Austen scholar and the insight of a licensed therapist. Somehow the first person narrator was also omniscient and able to divine the thoughts of everyone around him and reveal them through dialogue. So I wondered if I could peek into Fiona’s mind and give voice to her thoughts as we once again move her to a totally different environment. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t understand that Mike’s treatment for prostate cancer at UCSF is why we temporarily live in a lovely Victorian flat in Pacific Heights.

Mike and I “moved” in last week and then he went home to Redding to sit on a scholarship committee and pick up the little dog. So on Sunday they arrived after what must’ve been a 5 hour journey with many potty stops and breaks for refreshment (coffee and dog treats). Fiona loves riding in the car and slides into a Zen state where the journey, not the destination, is the purpose. So she often arrives looking dazed. This time, as she gazed down the long hall, she also looked irritated.

Planting herself on one of the runners, Fiona made her displeasure known. And here is where the reason she blatantly prefers Mike becomes clear. I walked her, okay pulled her, down the hall still on her leash past the gorgeous living room and into our bedroom where I had thoughtfully placed her favorite blanket on the bed. She glared at me. Then I placed her on the end of another runner, went into the family room and called her from about 6 feet away (she could see me). Her frown deepened and her glare intensified. I cajoled, offering high value treats. Her upper lip curled. At this point Mike appeared and picked her up and carried her around showing her the amenities.

“See, Fiona, there’s a little back yard where you can be outside.” No response. “Your bed is here and we brought your favorite toys.” Please. ” How about a piece of cheese?” Now we’re talking.

Cheese is her favorite food and being carried around like a princess is acceptable. That of course accounts for her smug expression and her clear message to me: I win.

Pouting, whining and sulking commenced but eventually I got over it and started devising methods to help Fiona overcome her distaste for hardwood floors. When her transport (Mike) is out, she has to walk on her own. Her always suspicious Yorkie eyes narrow and she refuses to look at me when we pass. She has been known to sit by the front door for more than an hour waiting for someone she can manipulate. That someone being my softie husband. Most of the time he succumbs to her pathetic “I am a friendless and destitute dog being left behind with a madwoman” look and takes her with him.

But I have my ways. If I act like she’s invisible, Fiona will make her presence felt. The desirable method is sitting on or beside me and acting like a cute little dog. Unacceptable methods include moaning by the door and barking incessantly at a perceived problem. Sometimes she takes exception to something out of place like a grocery bag that shouldn’t, in her opinion, be on the counter. Barking and whining interspersed with meaningful looks and licking of lips indicate she is hungry. Sneaking down the hall and hanging silently around the front door is a sign she needs a potty break. Go figure. While these may not be deliberate choices designed to drive me crazy I have my doubts. But we are both adjusting to the change in our circumstances, some of us more gracefully than others….


Everything should be upbeat. We have the great flat in San Francisco–Pacific Heights for goodness sakes. We have the great physician at UCSF–he told us himself that his team is the best in the world. Everything at home is handled: mail, paper, plants, and upkeep (gardening, cleaning). Mike’s daughter is thrilled we will be in the city for two months. Max is planning to visit. It’s all good. Really.

And then: the reality of driving to yesterday UCSF for Mike’s radiation. The unease of living in a stranger’s home. Knowing that for the first time my damn peonies are producing flowers and I’m missing it. Wishing none of this was happening and knowing how fortunate we are to access these wonders—world class medical treatment, the support of family and friends, and the delights and distractions of my favorite city.

Sometimes I need to hunker down (briefly) in misery, to eat licorice and drink wine, preferably in bed. It’s not a wonderful combination but I will say that Chardonnay holds up best with soft, black licorice. Sometimes I need to read chick lit and not make dinner. Sometimes Mike and I need to wander around Noe Valley without purpose or plan, come back to the demanding little dog, and take naps, all three of us.

Tomorrow I will make Fiona walk a few miles even if it’s rainy or cold. I will cook tasty, nutritious meals. I will wash my hair and I will not make Mike watch The Voice with me.

“A good man is a friend to all living things.”…..Gandhi

Yesterday I was alone, enjoying the opportunity to reflect on the loss of a former student that I deeply admired; today I was with 100+ people celebrating the life of Carlos Pineda and mourning his death. Fittingly, today was also Earth Day as Carlos was a visionary environmentalist and leader. The many tributes from those who were present and those who sent messages included personal stories and professional accolades. What struck me was that everyone who spoke experienced Carlos in a singular way. Yes, there was universal recognition of his kindness, brilliance, humor, passion, loyalty, and creativity. And all of us knew him to be driven toward solutions in a way that transcended convention and boundaries. But we all had our separate experience of Carlos. And perhaps it is that which was his greatest gift.

I was privileged to hear recollections that spanned his life from Carlos’s family and friends. The four year old who decided to be superman is not far removed from the man who brought a community of like-minded professionals first to a conference at Yale and then to their feet in a spontaneous and sustained ovation. Carlos was a friend who literally and metaphorically embraced those he cared about and he cared about many. While nothing I heard today surprised me, everything I heard moved me.

I’m not alone in missing Carlos and railing against the disease that took him away from his wife, family and friends far too soon. He leaves us bereft but inspired, committed to bring his spirit into our own actions. Even in death, Carlos leads.